Dear Dave,
What are your thoughts on prenuptial agreements? I’m a divorced single mom with two boys, and I’m their primary caregiver. I’d like to get married again one day if the right man comes along. The reason I ask about prenups is I’m expecting to receive an inheritance of about $5 million sometime in the future. Would it be a good idea for someone in my situation? Sarah Dear Sarah, In a situation like yours, I’d recommend a prenup. Full disclosure: Years ago, I used to be completely against them. I’d tell folks not to get married if they loved money and material stuff more than they loved the person they planned to marry. But after doing decades of financial coaching and even crisis counseling, I changed my tune. The reason I changed my mind is that I started to realize just how many weirdos are out there. When a dramatic amount of money is involved, a prenup can actually help the married couple by adding an extra level of protection between you and the crazies. Let’s say you marry a great guy, then his deadbeat cousin, a guy you’re suddenly related to by marriage, shows up asking for $10,000 to open a pizza place. Never mind that he can’t even boil water. Your guy says, “Don’t look at me. We’ve got a prenup.” He looks at you, and you smile, offer him a glass of water and send Cousin Eddie on his way. Believe it or not, that kind of stuff actually happens. Sometimes it’s the parents asking for a handout, sometimes it’s the kids — it doesn’t really matter. But it can drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Making and maintaining a good marriage is difficult. It’s hard work. You don’t need that kind of stuff creeping in and making things even harder. Do you see what I’m saying? In my mind, the prenup is not to protect you from the guy you married. He’s probably okay. Especially if you two are mature adults who took plenty of time getting to know each other before you walked down the aisle. And if you’ve been through a divorce, you probably feel that side of things a whole lot deeper than most folks. Now, I still don’t recommend prenups where small amounts of money are concerned. I remember one couple who each had normal finances and average net worths. The boyfriend wanted a prenup based on the fact he had a 1967 Ford Mustang. I flat out told her not to marry the guy because he loved a car more than he loved her. That’s practically planning a divorce. And Sarah, remember this: Wealth magnifies everything. The good and the bad. If someone who has a temper becomes wealthy, they become a bully. If they’re compassionate and generous to start with, they become what we call philanthropists. Kindness and generosity become their personal brand. That’s the kind of person you want to marry. ` —
Dave
Dear Dave,
What’s one unique step you took at any point in your life to save money that anyone is capable of doing if they put their mind to it?
Jeff
Dear Jeff,
As I always say, living on a written, monthly budget is a key factor in getting out of debt, staying out of debt and saving money. As for a “unique” step we took to save money — maybe it wasn’t that unique — but after going broke, we stopped eating out at restaurants. I mean completely. No pizza nights and no drive-thrus. Not even little things off the value menu. During the work week, we ate breakfast and dinner at home, and for lunch, I brown-bagged it. Every. Single. Day. On weekends, we ate all three meals at home both days. Nothing fancy, just good, simple food. And it made a huge difference. Most folks don’t realize how much money they spend eating out. A quick breakfast here, a fast-food lunch there … it’ll drain your bank account fast if you’re not careful. But when you’re broke, you’re broke. You’ve got to look at that person you see in the mirror every morning and admit it. Then, you have to start living like it. In other words, stop acting rich when you’re broke. That means doing basic, common sense things like I said earlier. Cut down on your spending, and learn to live on a written, monthly budget — one where every dollar is accounted for and has a job to do — before the month begins. Otherwise, you’re just digging yourself deeper and deeper into a financial hole. Anybody can take control of their finances once they become intentional about changing their behavior with money and motivated about changing their lives. Then, when you’ve gotten control of your money, you can go out and celebrate with a really nice steak dinner. But until then, if you’re struggling financially, the only time you should see the inside of a restaurant is if you’re working there. To make money. To get out of debt. And save! —
Dave
Dear Dave,
My husband and I are both 25. We’ve been married just over a year. I’m a stayat- home mom, and we have one baby. Because I’m home with our son and my husband works outside the home, he believes he gets to make all the financial decisions. He eats out and buys whatever he feels like but tells me I can’t do the same. He says getting to be at home all day and having things like television, electricity and air conditioning are my luxuries. I try to be understanding because he works hard, but this is causing real tension between us. Do you have any advice? Christina Dear Christina, There’s just no other way to say this: You married a child in a man’s body. He’s treating you like a secondclass citizen, and I’m truly sorry you’re finding out the hard way that your husband’s a twit. This is just about the most dysfunctional thing I’ve ever heard. I want you to really pay attention because I’m about to stack how things should be up against how they stand. When you’re married, regardless of who earns the money, you both have an income. You each have a say in where every single one of those dollars goes. My wife hasn’t worked outside the home in about 40 years. But she has an incredible income because we have an incredible income — together. And we, together, decide what to do with our income. Are you understanding these words clearly? None of this is happening in your marriage. Just because I earn an income at my job and my wife doesn’t have an earned income personally, that doesn’t invalidate her power or right to a vote within our household. She has exactly the same rights I do — morally, spiritually and legally. This is not okay, Christina. None of it. You are living in a majorly dysfunctional marriage, and it’s something I can’t fix within the confines of a column. Some marriage counseling is way overdue here. And if he won’t go with you as a couple, you go alone. All I can do is confirm that you’re not the crazy one here. The feelings you have about things being really messed up are 100% spot-on. At the very least, I think your whole family desperately needs to get involved with a good, strong, local church. I’m talking about a healthy church. One that doesn’t support your husband’s ridiculous, backwards ideas. One that has some real men who can teach this little boy how to be a man. Because true masculinity is service-oriented. A real man serves his wife, and he serves his children. And that isn’t happening here. —
Dave