Dear Dave,
My fiancée and I are getting married in a few months. Everything seems great between us, except when it comes to money and finances. She’s not a big spender, but not long after we got engaged, she said she wants me to manage the money and make all the financial decisions. It seems to me that married couples should make decisions together. Do you have any advice on how I should approach her about this?
Benjamin Dear Benjamin,
First off, congratulations on your upcoming wedding. I hope you two will have long and happy lives together.
Manymarriagecounselors will tell you if a couple comes to agreement on four major issues before the wedding, they’ll have a greater chance of forming a successful and lasting marriage. The issues? Money, kids, in-laws and religion. I happen to agree with this line of thinking.
You seem like a thoughtful guy, Benjamin. So, why not try sitting down with her, just the two of you, and explaining straight from your heart how important the concept of togetherness is to you— especially when it comes to your finances. I’m not saying money is the most important thing in the world, but I do believe it’s vitally important that all financial decisions in a marriage are made by the husband and wife together.
Good,opencommunication is a valuable thing to have in any relationship. And I firmly believe the process of sharing your financial goals and dreams, along with doing a monthly budget together, will be a wonderful sharing experience for you both. Money shouldn’t be the most important thing in your lives. But it is a very valuable tool. The way a couple handles their finances—everything from spending to saving to giving—is representative of their priorities and of their dreams, passions and fears.
In my mind, all these things should be shared and pursued together, as one.
— Dave Dear Dave,
I’m 25, and I work as a property manager making $65,000 a year. I’m in the middle of paying off my debts, but I’m struggling to stay intense about it. I’m in a long-distance relationship that forces me to spend a lot of money to see my boyfriend. He’s not working right now, and it’s been a while since his last job. That means I’m always spending extra on gas and other things to make the eight-hour, round-trip drive twice a month so we can spend time together. We’ve been together for almost two years, but I’m honestly beginning to wonder if it’s worth it. He doesn’t seem to mind not working, and that bothers me, too.
Naya Dear Naya,
It should bother you. So, why isn’t this guy working? Why isn’t he putting forth a little effort to come see you? Are you saying he doesn’t even have a part-time job? From what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like he’s got much standing in the way of visiting you once in a while.
A man who wants to work can always find something to do. Tell him to run down to Home Depot, and buy a leaf blower or a lawn mower. Help him out with the purchase, if you can afford it. Most rich people are afraid of leaves and grass, and they’ll pay someone to take care of them. If he can’t—orwon’t—dothat,then as far as I’m concerned he’s disqualifying himself from being boyfriend material, let alone husband material.
Everything you’re seeing in him right now will be magnified inmarriage—bothgood and bad. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you, young lady. You’ve got a good job, and you’re smart enough to realize the wisdom in getting out of debt and handling your finances in a mature and responsible way. You’ve got so much going for you. And I want you to start putting more value on yourself.
Naya, you need to stay in your town, and invite him to come see you. If he’s willing to find a way to make some money and starts doing this, he might be worthy of having an important place in your life. But, if he’s unwilling to become gainfully employed, and put out at least a little effort to see you on his dime, I think you should move on.
— Dave Dear Dave,
My husband and I are in Baby Step 3. We currently have $1,800 saved toward our fully funded emergency fund goal of $20,000. I want to spend $400 on a flour mill that’s on sale. You use them to mill wheat into flour. Our household income is about $50,000 a year, and we have enough money in our checking account to cover the cost without putting us in a bind. Would this be okay?
Teresa Dear Teresa,
If you’re looking for a flour mill, I’ve got a used one I’ll sell you — cheap. We’ve even got a 5-gallon bucket of grain sitting at home in a closet from when my wife went through this fad two years ago. As I understand it, these machines are basically magic. They filter out all the little glutens, all the little COVIDs and anything else that can kill you, right?
Hey, I’m just being silly with you. I’m all for eating healthy, but here’s the deal: The answer I’m about to give you isn’t really about a flour mill. It’s not even about the $400. My answer is about getting you to pay attention to what your actions with money say about your standards, yourbehaviorandyour discipline as an adult.
When my wife and I were at your point in our financial journey, we would’ve looked at this situation in two ways: One, it’s not a necessity or an emergency. It’s just not. Two, we don’t even have a full emergencyfundof3-6months of expenses in place yet. So, we wouldn’t have bought the flour mill. I know that’s not the fun answer, but it’s the smart answer.
Do you get what I’m saying? You’ve got to have a filter for making decisions that aligns with your framework. You and your husband have been using the Baby Steps as your framework for financial decisions up to this point. That part of your brain is screaming, “Don’t do it!” — even though mathematically, it’s not a really big deal. That’s the conflict and the reason you’re asking me if it’s okay.
Teresa, you and your husband have recently reset the way your brains think about money. You’ve made so much progress in getting to Baby Step 3, and I’m really afraid this will mess it all up. In my mind, it’d almost be like falling off the wagon, you know?
Long story short, you just started building your emergency fund. This is a luxury item, not an emergency and not a necessity. I wouldn’t do it.
— Dave