Dear Dave,
My mother died about a year and a half ago, and she left me and my younger sister $75,000 each. My sister is 16, and she plans on enlisting in the military after high school, then using the G.I. Bill to pay for college afterward. She won’t receive the inheritance money until she’s 18. What advice can I give her to ensure she makes good decisions with the money?
Davis Dear Davis,
I’m truly sorry to hear about your mom. At the same time, I’m so proud of you for stepping up to help your little sister. You know, $75,000 sounds like a lot of money—especially to a teenager. But that kind of cash can disappear in a heartbeat if she’s not careful. And then, all she’d have left where her inheritance is concerned is a lifetime of regret.
If she’ll be smart with this money, and by that, I mean investing wisely and having a little bit of fun, she could end up a rich, little old lady one day. Not only that, but she can honor the memory of your mother and change her family tree forever. Her family will think differently, and be able to live differently, all because she had the maturity to not blow the money.
You said she’ll get $75,000, right? Think about this. She could just have fun with $15,000 or so, and invest the rest in good, growth stock mutual funds. If the stock market continues to average what it has since its start, she’ll be a multi-millionaire—and then some—by retirement. Even if I’m half-wrong on the math, the advice still stands. She’d have millions waiting for her.
The point is that investing a big lump sum of money, and leaving it there for her golden years, is a great idea.
Now, I’m going to give you some homework, Davis.
I want you to talk to a bunch of rich, old folks. Learn what they did to build wealth and hang onto it. Also, make sure the friends and family you both have around you are quality people—the kind who have your best interests at heart. Remember, the Bible says, “In the multitude of counsel there is safety.”
Your sister is very lucky to have a big brother like you.
Walk her through this advice.
Be there for her. Look out for her. She needs you right now, and she’ll need you in the years to come.
God bless you both!
—Dave Dear Dave,
My wife and I have been married for nine months, and we’ve been following your Baby Steps plan for three months. We have about $50,000 in debt, and I recently cashed out an old whole life policy that enabled us to pay off $22,000 of our debt. My wife still feels weird about us doing that, since the money paid off all the student loan debt she accumulated before we got married but none of the debt I brought to the marriage. I look at everything as ours, not mine and hers. What can I do about her sense of guilt and feeling indebted to me?
Anonymous Dear Anonymous, This isn’t an uncommon thing in situations like yours. But more than feeling indebted to someone or experiencing a sense of guilt or shame, it’s really a discussion about differing views of marriage.
You’re never in debt to your spouse. You should be all in where your husband or wife is concerned. Remember the vows? For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health. If she makes you chicken soup when you’re sick, does she charge you for it? Of course not. When you get married, you agree to take on each other’s burdens. Once you walk down the aisle with someone, you’re choosing to serve each other. You’re also choosing to take on each other’s debt, each other’s income, each other’s assets and each other’s crazy parents. Everything!
It all boils down to having a shared view of a proper marriage relationship. And the proper (and biblical) view is we own everything. There’s no mine and yours anymore. Now, you can’t make her feel—or not feel—a certain way. But you can ask her questions to understand where she’s coming from and what blockers are keeping her from being totally together in this. Talk about it. Put your heads together and practice thinking about your marriage as a union.
It will take some encouragement from you and some getting used to on her part, but if you work together, it’s a muscle you can grow and develop together!
—Dave Dear Dave,
I’m getting married this summer and about to become a stepmom. To be honest, I’m a little worried about the family dynamic. My fiancé’s daughter from an earlier marriage seems a bit irresponsible. She’s 23, has trouble holding a job and still lives at home. She seems to expect her dad to step in when she doesn’t have money for her car payment. We both agree he has been too lenient with her in the past. He wants to change things, but neither of us believe suddenly pulling the rug out from under her is a good idea. Do you have any advice for handling this situation?
Susie Dear Susie,
If you and her dad really want to show her you love her, you’ll make sure she starts learning some character and discipline. It’ll take a little time at this point, and it’s very important that both of you are in agreement every step of the way.
Marriage counselors say you have a good chance of a successful marriage if you’re in agreement on four things— religion, money, children and in-laws. I know you and your fiancé love each other, but I’d strongly suggest you two go through pre-marital counseling to make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to handling this and other issues.
After that, I’d recommend letting her dad present any changes to her initially. Neither of you wants to create a scenario where you’re viewed as a villain. Let her dad start the process by explaining that he feels he made a few mistakes in terms of teaching her personal responsibility when she was younger. Then, he can begin to lay out the first few expectations.
In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with requiring her to get a job within 30 days, if she doesn’t already have one. If she needs to go job hunting, the process should be an everyday thing, because if she’s unemployed, finding work needs to be her job—her full-time job. It would also be a good time to start teaching her about budgeting, saving and everything else that goes into handling money responsibly.
Phase two might consist of requiring her to help around the house doing chores, or whenever help is needed.
After a couple of months of this, phase three might be where she is introduced to the practice of paying a very small amount in rent each month.
Do you see what I’m doing, Susie? By stepping up expectations gradually, you’re building a foundation so she’ll have the tools and knowledge—to where in the sixth or seventh month— she’s able to move out and live like a fully-functioning adult should.
God bless you all!
—Dave